I Have A Question

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This past summer I attended a five-day Chair Yoga course at the Kripalu Yoga Center in Sturbridge, Massachusetts. I highly recommend programs at Kripalu because they are full-on sensory experiences with world class instructors, silent breakfasts, dorm-style living, a camaraderie of spirit and a beautiful Berkshire Mountains location. The Chair Yoga course was focused on adaptive yoga and our practice was “off the mat and on the chair.”

On graduation day when we were given our certificates the teacher said something personal to every student. After Lakshmi called my name she added, “I have a question …” Everyone laughed, including me.   She handed me my certificate and said, “Your questions always made me think.”

Someone noticing I ask a lot of questions is not new. I have a long history of asking questions, sometimes with a positive social outcome like at the yoga certification course.  However until I learned to ask questions that were also useful to the others, my questions often just put people on the spot.  There is an art and science to asking questions that both satisfy your personal curiosity and are meaningful to others. This post covers understanding what makes questions engaging or off-putting in a group setting.

Your Personality Influences the Questions You Ask

“The marvelous thing about a good question is that it shapes our identity as much by the asking as it does by the answering.”

— David Whyte (philosopher and poet)

Our questions reflect our world view. They tell others about our biases and our blind spots. Conversely, if we learn to listen to others skillfully, questions can also reveal important data about the person asking the question.

A personality assessment tool I have used for decades to help me decode questions, my own and others, is the Birkman Method, which provides both insight and objectivity around how we see others and how others see us.  Here is a color coded list of the four dominant personality types and typical characteristics associated with the kinds of questions asked.

See if you recognize any of the following question styles as similar to your own.

• Yellow – focused on precedent, methodology, and loyalty

Yellow asks “How” questions focused on proof. Yellow questions often include words like should/ought, honesty, trust, and facts. Questions tend to be about details: “How were resources allocated in the fourth quarter?”

• Blue – focused on relationship, empathy, and big-picture

Blue asks “Why and When” questions focused on ideas. Blue questions often include words like consensus, intuition, authentic, and sensitive. Questions tend to be indirect: “When this project gets rolled out, shouldn’t we be sensitive to people’s reactions?”

• Red – focused on action, deadline, and outcome

Red asks “What” questions focused on results. Red questions often include words like logic, practical, deadline, and right now. Questions tend to be direct and about a task: “What do we do first?”

• Green – focused on spontaneity, flexibility, and enthusiasm

Green asks “Who” questions focused on influence.  Green questions often use words like exciting, new, passion, and energy. Questions tend to be direct and about their contribution: “Who am I working with? What is my role?”

Points to Remember

While we are all a mixture of these different personality types, usually one is dominant. Knowing our own worldview can help us appreciate others’ points of view and enable us to ask and answer questions that others are also interested in knowing.

• Characteristics of Effective Questions

Engage others’ attention with “how” and “what” questions that generate new or useful information about the task.

Create opportunities for clarification about something that may have been unclear to you and most likely others.

Stimulate new ideas and bring up something that hadn't been thought about but turns out to be a very useful piece of information.

• There Really Are Bad Questions

Avoid leading questions. They imply a right answer and don’t demonstrate real interest or curiosity about other perspectives. Often leading questions put other people down or on the spot and defensive.

Avoid poorly thought through and constructed questions often leaving others unsure what was even asked.

Avoid redundant questions, when the person asking the question obviously wasn’t listening and asks something that has already been brought up.

Avoid questions that are idiosyncratic that are so subjective that they are only of interest to the person who asked it.

• Does Anyone Have a Question?

Sometimes it is the speaker who asks a bad question and the biggest offender is the ubiquitous “Does anyone have a question?” While the person speaking has good intentions and wants to encourage discussion, unless adequate time is allocated, “Does anyone have a question?” often feels obligatory and rushed.  When time is budgeted for discussion, some alternative questions to consider to get the conversation flowing include “What do you want to learn more about?”; “What would you like clarification on?”; “What do you think was overemphasized or underemphasized?” or “What point resonated for you?”

Asking effective questions is an important but neglected form of communication. Learning to ask questions effectively is a skill that will add value to both your professional and personal life.  

What are your thoughts about this closing quote?

“Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers”

— Tony Robbins (motivational speaker and author)

If you have any comments or questions about this post, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or contact form to schedule a free 20 minute conversation.

Annoyance - Do This, Not That

Perception is a funny thing. Look at something one way and you feel threatened. Turn your head and suddenly the same thing seems familiar. The mystery novel version of this phenomenon is the main character walking down a dark hallway and seeing a monster at the top of the stairs. He shines his flashlight at the monster and he suddenly realizes that it is just his own reflection in the mirror.

Annoyance is a dark hallway type of feeling to shine some light on. Often the characteristics we find annoying in others we consider virtues in ourselves. For example, when I encounter someone who insists they are always right, I find it annoying. Yet when I take a stand on something and refuse to move from my point of view, I see it as being principled and courageous in my convictions.

Want another example? When somebody asks a lot of questions you may think, "why does she ask so many questions all the time?" That may be exactly the same thing you do, but you may consider your behavior as doing due diligence and just getting all the facts.

We all experience annoyance every day and generally assume that it is coming from an external source. While that is true, it is also not the whole truth; the feeling of annoyance is coming from within. So when dealing with other people's annoying traits, one strategy is to think about them as a mirror that allows you to see traits that you may want to examine in yourself. Given the significant role annoyance plays in our lives, it is important to understand its impact and recognize how we contribute to our own reactions.

In fact, some people enjoy being annoyed, relish the feeling of demonizing others and sanctifying their own perceptions. It confirms a particular belief they have about a person or circumstance. However, it is important to build a greater tolerance for annoying behavior (ours and others) to accomplish our goals and objectives.

Other people try to dismiss annoyance altogether by ignoring the feeling, or accepting it as something that they just can't do anything about. "Oh that person is always annoying. Think about when you are thirsty. You can sit there and be thirsty, or you can do something about it and get yourself something to drink. You may find yourself attending meetings where they never provide water and you find that annoying. However, rather than just being annoyed each time, you can simply bring your own bottle of water.

When someone is asking, what on the surface seems like irrelevant, time-consuming questions, you need to be more of a detective and figure out what you are missing that the other person is seeing. It may be that the person needs the information rolled out in more detail or needs to explore scenarios of unintended consequences. You don't want to cut to the chase at the expense of losing what could be a valuable contribution to the decision making process. It's in your best interest to find out. You may still reject the other person’s perspective, but at least you were able to weigh its merit rather than it being a blind spot.

Sincerely wanting to learn more will set the right tone and help the other person from taking your question personally. Often it is not the question but the annoyed tone that triggers confrontation. Imagine you are in a meeting where your colleagues appear to be making little progress resolving a problem. They continually discuss what you consider low priority, insignificant details for 30-45 minutes. Once you hear those insignificant details being discussed, skip annoyance and try being curious instead. What are all the details being brought up really pointing out? Try being curious and genuinely ask what the other person’s concerns are; what are they worried about? When you ask a direct question you'll feel more engaged, they'll feel heard, and the work will benefit from your curiosity.

You stay annoyed instead of curious at your own peril. The person asking the annoying question is like the canary in the mine and is simply sensing something is wrong. The person’s questions may feel ill timed and not particularly helpful, but in fact they could be surfacing something that needs further exploration and will lead to a more satisfying and successful outcome.

Communication Shortcuts

When a situation triggers stressful feelings, it may seem counterintuitive to intentionally speak up. If giving and getting feedback is uncomfortable for you remember that those feelings are short term but a misunderstanding can fester for years or spontaneously combust into conflict. Feedback is actually a positive communication shortcut that creates clarity.

There are also defensive communication shortcuts - flight or fight behaviors. Fight and flight behaviors create blind spots and are outcomes of not using feedback. There is actually a spectrum of feelings that begin with uncomfortable and spiral downward into irritation, negativity, taking things extremely personally and end with fight or flight defensive behaviors.

The good news is that downward spirals can be slowed down and even stopped by speaking up. With a little practice, giving and getting feedback will clear the air very quickly.

Sharpen Your Focus

The word resolution has many definitions. Finding a resolution is most commonly thought of as determining a course of action in order to accomplish and complete a task. Your definition may also relate to establishing the resolve to make a positive change (think New Year's Resolution). While these definitions are all valid, my favorite definition involves bringing things into focus with greater clarity, similar to how greater resolution of a photograph sharpens the image.

I find thinking about resolution from the perspective of gaining greater clarity is an effective way to increase productivity, strengthen relationships, improve results, and reduce stress. A reliable way to arrive at these outcomes is by asking clarifying questions. However, it is important that your clarifying questions are not viewed as "gotcha questions" designed to put anyone on the spot. Rather you want your clarifying questions to demonstrate your genuine curiosity about what is being proposed and your desire to better understand the issue.

One of the best communication strategies I have learned is to "act as if" the other person is a foreign dignitary and I need to ask questions that are aligned with her country's customs, choosing words that demonstrate respect that will not insult or offend the person. Based on conversational cues, here are four clarifying questions that I have found useful in moving the discussion forward as opposed to shutting it down.

• If you hear generalized frustration about a lack of action; the problem may be related to getting results.
  Clarifying question: "What kind of tasks do you envision assigning to us?"
• If you hear generalized complaining, the problem may be related to people needing to vent.
  Clarifying question: "Could you elaborate a little more on this issue and I'll just listen?"
• If you hear generalized uncertainty; the problem may be related to people requiring more time to think.
  Clarifying question: "Could we do more brainstorming before we move on?"
• If you hear generalized concern about a lack of details; the problem may be related to the unfamiliar approach being used.
  Clarifying question: "Can you share any examples where this has been done successfully before?"

When issues are resolved, it really means they are clarified in a way that allows you to move on to the next step. And there will always be a next step with worthwhile projects. Clarifying questions are an efficient way of sharpening the discussion and getting to the heart of the matter so you can actually move towards that next step.

Are You A Good Friend?

This may be the most important social intelligence question anyone can ask himself or herself. Friendship requires paying attention to the other person's interests, needs, and communication style. It often begins based on things you have in common such as a love of sports, dislike of the color magenta, or shared beliefs about religion, politics, or second hand smoke.

Friendship is sustained however by your ability to accept and value a friend's differences. Their collection of beer bottles, dislike of all spicy foods, or humming top forty hits while hiking may all drive you nuts but your friend is still your friend.

Finding what you have in common with another person at work is made easier if you stop focusing on liking the person and instead find some value in their ideas, work style, or organizational savvy. Learning to focus on what you have in common to get the work assignment completed can help you also appreciate their differences and leverage their strengths to get the job done.

How do you override an immediate feeling of dislike? Identify how you feel around the person and label their behavior - boring, pushy, selfish, know-it-all, etc. Then identify someone else about whom you have had similar feelings. The earlier the connection the better - schoolmates and family members are often good reference points. Why bother with this step? It helps you know when "dislike" is a familiar role you slip into without thinking about what is appropriate in the current situation - a hyperlink to the past that confuses your thinking.

Since these connections are made early in life you probably didn't have a very sophisticated way of dealing with people you disliked. Forms of aggression or avoidance were the most common reactions - fight or flight. We all have a preferred familiar role we go to when these connections are triggered. What is yours?

Here are some strategies for dealing with both fight and flight reactions:

• Label the behavior that is making you frustrated, angry, or dismissive.
• Address the behavior. It is the behavior not the person that is the problem.
• Take a break (bathroom, quick walk, glass of water, reschedule, etc.) so that you have time to think about what the current situation requires and not just react.
• Keep your focus on what task needs to be accomplished then find a way to build an ally and not make an enemy.

Are you a good friend? If you can answer yes, then you can transfer those qualities to building alliances at work. Use your social intelligence strengths on demand and learn to transfer what works in one situation to another. That flexibility will make you someone people want on their team and as their friend.