Undoing Negativity

Defensiveness, reactivity, close mindedness - all these words are synonyms for negativity. Everyone has experienced negativity when faced with an unpleasant situation such as imposed change, or conflict. Undoing negativity requires us to recognize we are in an altered state in the back of our brain and need to use the frontal area of our brain to generate tactical strategies to respond instead of being reactive.  

The brain is a collaborative organ and doesn't actually have three discrete silos (front, mid, back). There is constant cross talk between the sections. However, each of the brain’s three sections has a dominant function - front: executive functions like judgment, objectivity, choice; mid: emotions, memories, imagination; back: defensive tactics like freeze, fight and flight which can be directed outward or inward.

Below are some ABC’s for undoing negativity. Following these steps can rapidly move you from back of the brain tactics (freeze, fight, or flight) and get the front of your brain back online. 

Step A - Identify the emotions you are feeling.

The daily practice of keeping track of your everyday emotional experiences and labeling them with a feeling word can build your capacity to handle even difficult emotions. Writing incidents down will help you remember the specifics of the situation (triggers, physical sensations, reactions, both yours and others). Try using a primary feeling word from this list: Interest, Joy, Surprise, Fear, Anger, Sadness, Disgust, and Shame. Or choose from a simplified feeling menu of glad, mad, sad and scared.

Step B – Identify how you react with negativity in stressful situations

Negative behaviors like complaining, blaming, criticizing, and helping too much are also cues. These behaviors form in childhood when we are powerless and dependent on others. The tactics which worked when we were children are unfortunately less effective and sometimes destructive as adults.

Notice when the intensity of negative thoughts or feelings are occurring - insulted, resentful, heroic, hopeless, lonely, not good enough, betrayed, etc. Are your emotions out of proportion to the situation? If yes, you may be in the grip of the 90/10 reaction. This reaction is when 90% of the emotional intensity is coming from the past. Something has triggered a reminder of prior stressful circumstances. Only 10% of your response is related to the here and now.

To reduce the impulse to automatically go to childhood coping behaviors, give for favorite defensive behavior a nickname to help you pause and inject some humor into a stressful situation. Naming is a front brain function – a short cut out of the back of the brain. Examples for nicknames include:

• Goldilocks when things have to be just right.

• Bart Simpson when you are snarky.

• Cinderella when you are hyper responsible.

• Chef Gordon Ramsey when you are annoyed.

• Lucy from Peanuts when you are bossy.

• Eeyore when you are a sad sack.

• St. Joan of Arc when you are a hero.

In addition to specific old roles, another common practice of negativity is called "Mindreading," something that very perceptive people are prone to. Mindreading is predicting what others are thinking or feeling without fact checking those assumptions - they seem so obvious. This is our brain's version of "fake news" or "false facts." Ask yourself, “Can you actually read minds or predict the future?” If the answer is “no” label your insight as an unverified assumption.

Step C - Imagine what you would do differently.

You can identify and use adult strategies instead of childhood survival tactics by imagining a different response to the original incident. Ask yourself, “knowing what you know now, what will you do differently?” What you know now are the names of your feelings and that you overreacted to an emotional trigger.

Answering this question are mid and front brain activities. If you say “I don’t know” it may means you are still stuck in the back of your brain. Don’t give up, review steps A and B until you can imagine having a choice and doing things differently next time.

Reflection:

Knowing what you know now how does the following quote resonate for you? What can you do differently?

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that created them. Albert Einstein, German American physicist

If you have any comments or questions about this post, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or use this contact form to schedule a complimentary 20 minute conversation.

Shifting Perspectives

Shifting perspective is always top of mind in my coaching practice. My business card reads New Perspectives on Old Predicaments and my logo is a Necker Cube (seen in the upper right hand corner of this website). The Necker Cube is an optical phenomenon which appears to flip its orientation when you stare at the cube’s Y-junctions (top right and bottom left).  This shift in perspective reminds me of the coaching process.  Providing encouragement to clients to shift from taking things just personally to considering the role, goal and context of their situation

Our perceptions trick us into believing that what we see is how the world actually is rather than a convincing construct of our mind. It is difficult to challenge these perceptions because we are having an actual experience with an entourage of supporting feelings,  Unfortunately our interpretation of why we are having these feelings is at best a partial truth and may even be completely false. Similar to the unreliability of eye witnesses in court cases, we create our own false truth based on past experiences.

There is an abundance of resources on shifting perception out there from scholarly research to bite sized blogs.  Below is a selection and synopsis of resources popular with my clients that I hope you will also find engaging:

The Year of Conquering Negativity
By Leslie Alderman, New York Times, 2017

All humans have a tendency to ruminate on the negative.  It is an evolutionary survival tactic and as a result we over learn from negative experience and under learn from positive ones.  The following strategies were recommended to help retain more positive learning:

1. Acknowledge negative thoughts and then be a skeptic and challenge them.  What is the worst that can happen and what could you do about it if it did happen?  This self-challenge gets you to unlock from negative thoughts.

2. Keep a list of your “greatest hits” include why people love you and like being with you in addition to your career accomplishments.  A written reminder of why you are pretty wonderful acts as a counter weight to a self-critical loop.

3. Breathe deeply and slowly. Make your exhales last twice as long as your inhales. Breathing calms the body by bringing in fresh oxygen and calms the mind by focusing your attention on inhaling and exhaling.

Happiness Is Synthetic. You Have It If You Create It
By Travis Bradberry, Forbes, 2016

This Forbes online series is called “If I only knew …” Sometimes a cautionary tale can be as useful as a success story.  Permanently adopting new habits is hard, while breaking the habits that make you unhappy can actually be much easier. Some common sense bad habits the author suggests eradicating include: limiting your exposure to negative people, isolating yourself, and blaming others for your setbacks. Truly happy people have honed habits that maintain their sense of well-being day in and day out.

Playful People Are At An Advantage
By Medical Express News, 2017

Dr René Proyer from the Institute of Psychology at Martin Luther University Halle-Wittenberg (MLU) published his research on playfulness in adults in the international journal, Personality and Individual Differences. His study reveals that playfulness in adults is expressed in several very different ways and should be regarded as a positive trait. "When looking for solutions to complex problems, playful adults can easily change perspectives. This allows them to find unusual and novel solutions."

Dr. Proyer has identified four basic types of playful adults: 

1. Other-directed – Playful people who like to fool around with friends and acquaintances. 

2. Lighthearted – Playful people who regard their whole life as a type of game. 

3. Intellectually Playful – These people play with thoughts and ideas – they are able to turn monotonous tasks into something interesting.

4. Whimsically Playful - These people are amused by small day-to-day observations as well as interested in strange and unusual things.

Use Your Strengths to See Your Blind Spots

What is a blind spot? It is data that your mind doesn't take in, something outside of your field of vision, just like the blind spot in your car's rearview mirror. How can you identify blind spots? One quick way is to make a list of your strengths because blind spots and strengths have a yin/yang relationship.

Blind spots come in two general categories - tasks and people. Task related blind spots involve deadlines, scheduling, systems, and capacity. People related blind spots involve communication, motivation, feedback, and empathy. The yin/yang of strengths and blinds spots never goes away, but learning to be curious about this tension can result in a more accurate assessment of any issue or situation.

For example, if being low key and cooperative is a strength you may also notice that you do not assert your interests until after a conflict occurs, which results in your becoming resentful or disappointed.  Understanding your blind spots will help you see around the corners and avoid interpersonal collisions.

Something More to Think About

The ability to shift perspectives requires more than mental flexibility. Imagining another point of view is a creative act. Flexibility, creativity, and curiosity are traits that allow us to adapt and thrive in unfamiliar situations.

What in the following poem on shifting your perspective resonates most with you?

The range of what we think and do
is limited by what we fail to notice.
And because we fail to notice
there is little that we can do
to change
until we notice
how failing to notice
shapes our thoughts and deeds.
- R.D. Laing, psychiatrist

If you have any comments or questions about this post, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or use this contact form to schedule a free 20 minute conversation.

The Necker Cube logo was executed by Tom Jezek, oogliobop@aol.com, graphic artist and dear friend.

I Have A Question

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

This past summer I attended a five-day Chair Yoga course at the Kripalu Yoga Center in Sturbridge, Massachusetts. I highly recommend programs at Kripalu because they are full-on sensory experiences with world class instructors, silent breakfasts, dorm-style living, a camaraderie of spirit and a beautiful Berkshire Mountains location. The Chair Yoga course was focused on adaptive yoga and our practice was “off the mat and on the chair.”

On graduation day when we were given our certificates the teacher said something personal to every student. After Lakshmi called my name she added, “I have a question …” Everyone laughed, including me.   She handed me my certificate and said, “Your questions always made me think.”

Someone noticing I ask a lot of questions is not new. I have a long history of asking questions, sometimes with a positive social outcome like at the yoga certification course.  However until I learned to ask questions that were also useful to the others, my questions often just put people on the spot.  There is an art and science to asking questions that both satisfy your personal curiosity and are meaningful to others. This post covers understanding what makes questions engaging or off-putting in a group setting.

Your Personality Influences the Questions You Ask

“The marvelous thing about a good question is that it shapes our identity as much by the asking as it does by the answering.”

— David Whyte (philosopher and poet)

Our questions reflect our world view. They tell others about our biases and our blind spots. Conversely, if we learn to listen to others skillfully, questions can also reveal important data about the person asking the question.

A personality assessment tool I have used for decades to help me decode questions, my own and others, is the Birkman Method, which provides both insight and objectivity around how we see others and how others see us.  Here is a color coded list of the four dominant personality types and typical characteristics associated with the kinds of questions asked.

See if you recognize any of the following question styles as similar to your own.

• Yellow – focused on precedent, methodology, and loyalty

Yellow asks “How” questions focused on proof. Yellow questions often include words like should/ought, honesty, trust, and facts. Questions tend to be about details: “How were resources allocated in the fourth quarter?”

• Blue – focused on relationship, empathy, and big-picture

Blue asks “Why and When” questions focused on ideas. Blue questions often include words like consensus, intuition, authentic, and sensitive. Questions tend to be indirect: “When this project gets rolled out, shouldn’t we be sensitive to people’s reactions?”

• Red – focused on action, deadline, and outcome

Red asks “What” questions focused on results. Red questions often include words like logic, practical, deadline, and right now. Questions tend to be direct and about a task: “What do we do first?”

• Green – focused on spontaneity, flexibility, and enthusiasm

Green asks “Who” questions focused on influence.  Green questions often use words like exciting, new, passion, and energy. Questions tend to be direct and about their contribution: “Who am I working with? What is my role?”

Points to Remember

While we are all a mixture of these different personality types, usually one is dominant. Knowing our own worldview can help us appreciate others’ points of view and enable us to ask and answer questions that others are also interested in knowing.

• Characteristics of Effective Questions

Engage others’ attention with “how” and “what” questions that generate new or useful information about the task.

Create opportunities for clarification about something that may have been unclear to you and most likely others.

Stimulate new ideas and bring up something that hadn't been thought about but turns out to be a very useful piece of information.

• There Really Are Bad Questions

Avoid leading questions. They imply a right answer and don’t demonstrate real interest or curiosity about other perspectives. Often leading questions put other people down or on the spot and defensive.

Avoid poorly thought through and constructed questions often leaving others unsure what was even asked.

Avoid redundant questions, when the person asking the question obviously wasn’t listening and asks something that has already been brought up.

Avoid questions that are idiosyncratic that are so subjective that they are only of interest to the person who asked it.

• Does Anyone Have a Question?

Sometimes it is the speaker who asks a bad question and the biggest offender is the ubiquitous “Does anyone have a question?” While the person speaking has good intentions and wants to encourage discussion, unless adequate time is allocated, “Does anyone have a question?” often feels obligatory and rushed.  When time is budgeted for discussion, some alternative questions to consider to get the conversation flowing include “What do you want to learn more about?”; “What would you like clarification on?”; “What do you think was overemphasized or underemphasized?” or “What point resonated for you?”

Asking effective questions is an important but neglected form of communication. Learning to ask questions effectively is a skill that will add value to both your professional and personal life.  

What are your thoughts about this closing quote?

“Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers”

— Tony Robbins (motivational speaker and author)

If you have any comments or questions about this post, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or contact form to schedule a free 20 minute conversation.

It's About Time

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

Since most of us have time management challenges, it is easy to agree with Albert Einstein who said “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.”

The time management industry has produced thousands of books and articles offering guidance. Unfortunately, these logic-based strategies often aren’t sustainable.  These time management tips are based on the external 24-hour time clock and don’t account for the fact that we also have to manage our perception based internal time.

Internal time is regulated by temperament and personality. Your internal time clock is more like dream time, where a day can feel like a moment, or a moment can feel like an eternity.

In my coaching practice, I use a self-assessment tool, the Birkman Method™ that is like a personal GPS for understanding your time orientation.  Through working with the Birkman Method for more than 20 years, I have collected several basic strategies for identifying a person’s  internal time that can be effectively used to better manage one’s external time.  

See if you recognize any of the following time orientations as similar to your own, then try the suggested techniques to help get in sync with others.

Current Time Orientation

If you have a “what’s in front of me now” time orientation you may change focus frequently depending on what catches your attention.  Current time oriented people tend to overestimate the amount of time available because they underestimate the amount of work involved; especially since they don’t factor in their tendency to get over engaged in a particular task that can result in a time crunch to meet the deadline.  

Someone with a current time orientation likes to multitask and get a lot done.  However, they may feel distracted and unpredictable to others.

To get in sync, try putting time boundaries on the start and stop times for phone calls, meetings, and tasks. This structure will help keep you focused and reduce your tendency to get swept away by attractive distractions.

Future Time Orientation

This overly optimistic time orientation is interested in creative ideas and their potential. Future time oriented people tend to overestimate the amount of time available because they also overestimate their capacity to complete the work.  

Someone with a future time orientation may feel perfectionistic and frustrating to others because they don’t see the limitations of their time and often don’t delegate less important tasks.

To get in sync, try writing out a reverse priority list (least important to most important) then delegate the least important or do those items last.  Also try a reverse timeline (beginning with the deadline and working backwards). This structure will help you get started and maintain momentum.

Past Time Orientation

This somewhat pessimistic time orientation focuses on what has worked in the past.  Past time oriented people tend to be cautious, underestimating the amount of time available, overestimating the amount of work, and over focusing on details.

Someone with a past time orientation may feel stubborn to others and seem to put roadblocks in the way of progress.

To get in sync, try taking an incremental step, evaluate results, and use that data to take the next step.  This structure will help you move forward through successful iterations to the desired outcome.

Right Now Time Orientation

This “do it now, think about it later” orientation adds extra urgency to action. The “right now” orientation may underestimate the amount of time available, the complexity of the work and therefore how quickly the work can get done.

Someone with a right now time orientation may feel impulsive and pushy to others.

To get in sync, create a most important to least important checklist so you can act on “low hanging fruit” right away, then invest more time on primary tasks.

How Your Time Orientation Influences Your Management Style

Hopefully, after considering these brief descriptions, you have a hunch about your time orientation. Build on your hunch by asking yourself the following time management questions:

• What does good time management mean to me?
  For example, which approach fits your definition: getting a lot done; working the plan; putting out fires; or following procedures?

• Does your time orientation and management style feel helpful or stressful to others?
  What kind of feedback do you receive about how you manage your time? For example do others feel you get distracted, delay decisions, undermine progress, or want to do too much?

It is important to realize that our time orientation strongly influences how we manage our time. Getting in sync with others starts with knowing yourself but then also realizing that there are different time orientations out there.  If this information has sparked your curiosity about “time travel” - exploring past, present and future time orientations - use these strategies to improve your communication with others at work and home.

If you have any questions or want to talk about this blog, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or contact form to schedule a free 20 minute conversation.

New Perspectives On Old Predicaments

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

Repeating predicaments or problems are often old compromise solutions in disguise.  The stories we repeat about ourselves were created when we were young. Most of us are not reliable eyewitnesses, our personal narratives are often biased.

Why? Because we selectively remember information. Finding the missing information, our omissions, requires exploration. The familiar predicaments we find ourselves in are often directly related to the familiar stories we tell about ourselves.

That is why the actual predicament is often hiding in plain sight. Curiosity about the stories we tell can help locate our omissions and investigate them.  Omissions are not total absences of information but forgotten or unwanted knowledge. Dreams, fantasies, anxieties and excitement are often swarming around these omissions.

Ongoing personal work can result in discovering what’s really going on, but often a guide is needed to accurately interpret what we discover. The following questions can help explore, challenge and even change our old stories. The act of imagining different interpretations of “what we are sure we know” can release us from repeating old predicaments.

Let’s get started with the questions ...

1. What are your recurring predicaments? (time, money, feeling like a fraud, anxiety/excitement, trust, disorganization - this can be a long list. Write your top three struggles down.

2. Now, think about a few significant stories you retell about your life ones that define who you are and then pick just one of these stories. Also choose just one predicament from your list - pick one that keeps repeating and causing you trouble.

3. What are some connections between the story and the struggle you choose? Sometimes these connections are about ongoing struggles with receiving praise or avoiding punishment; being proud or ashamed; being who you are or disappointing others; focusing on the greater good or taking care of yourself; being action oriented or procrastinating...

4. Ask yourself how these connections keep you stuck. Once you identify specific connections, reimagine your story and tell it opposite or contrary to what you “know” happened.

5. In what way could this new version of your old story alter you familiar predicament? Sometimes this new knowledge makes a solution obvious but sometimes it is very subtle and requires more reflection.

The most important step is using this new knowledge. So keep practicing matching your stories to your predicaments until you find one with obvious connections. Use these insights to help you to take action and disrupt old patterns.  

The following four affirmations will help you remember how to gain a new perspective:

I can recognize a story associated with my predicament
I can reimagine that story
I can act as if the new story is the true story
I can notice what changes when I use the new story as my guide.

My hope is that you discover many new perspectives. A quote attributed to William Blake comes to mind, “There are things known and there are things unknown, in between are the doors of perception.”

If you have any questions or just want to talk about this blog, you can contact me at patwardconsulting@gmail.com or through my website, and schedule a free 20 minute conversation.

What Souvenirs Do You Save?

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

This Secret of the Universe is about how to increase what you learn from experience.  I’m going to begin by sharing with you why I named my blog Secrets of the Universe.

It was for sentimental reasons, as my children were growing up.  I used the phrase “tips for living” when providing guidance or giving advice.  However, that phrase wasn’t too attention grabbing.  So I switched to a phrase with built in fascination, Secrets of the Universe. 

Everyone loves knowing something they aren’t supposed to know and all Secrets of the Universe also came with a warning, about using the knowledge responsibly. The kids were told that most people never had access to this information, especially children their age, but that I thought they could handle it, however, they would have to promise to use their powers for good.

Because they knew these Secrets of the Universe, my children felt better equipped to navigate their day-to-day lives. As adults, they are still proud to report when they have used their powers for good.

The first Secret of the Universe I shared with my children became a dinner table ritual. It was about what to keep and how to remember their daily experience – their souvenirs.

At dinner time, when asked, “How was your day?” there would be a lot of complaining from my children, my husband and me - about school, work, the weather, or any little thing that was annoying. Something had to change.

I did some research on story-telling and how reframing our experience depends on the questions we ask, and the words we use to answer them.  I am going to share with you how to collect stories from your day - about what went right, as well as understanding what you could have done differently when things went wrong.  The questions promote a positive attitude and curiosity about learning from experience. 

Secrets of the Universe are a collage of knowledge from many sources assembled to provoke learning using common sense, practical know-how, and shared collective wisdom. After gathering this knowledge together, I condensed these big thoughts into several simple questions.

The Four Questions

1. What was positive about your day?
What good experiences do you want to repeat?

2. What went wrong and what do you wish you could do over?
Specifically, what would you change about your own behavior to get a better outcome?

3. What did you discover about your day?
This open-ended question is a real conversation starter. Patterns, surprises, and things to think about further will result.

4. What are you looking forward to?
What you look forward to could be large or small – watching TV, playing with friends, going to yoga class, or tomorrow’s delicious lunch.

Short and Long Term Benefits

I am happy to report that my children grew into wonderful adults and that their father and I probably benefited more than they did from learning how to increase our learning from experience.  I am sharing this with you because I think you will benefit too.

What souvenirs of your day-to-day life do you save? Many people tend to hoard the real or imagined slights, disappointments, and injustices of their day. This habit of collecting troubling thoughts takes a lot of energy and reduces your capacity for new learning.

However, with practice you can learn to be less subjective and not take setbacks, just personally.  You can increase your capacity to interpret daily events more objectively by asking yourself these simple questions. Having something to do that is easy at the end of the day is always a plus.

The short and long-term results are great.  For example:

• Less complaining and frustration about other people.

• Less negative predictions about the future.

• Increased understanding of how your action/inaction impacts your day.

• Intentional choices to do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Welcome to our family tradition and may the Secrets of the Universe help to keep us all curious about, “the worlds that go on within us and without us.” Many thanks to the late George Harrison for that bit of wisdom.

If you want to try out this strategy, I am happy to offer a free 20 minute consultation. Just send me an email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com

5 Easy Steps to Common Sense

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

Have you ever been so annoyed - that you just can’t calm down? In fact, if someone tells you to “calm down,” it just fuels the fire and you go from annoyed to angry. I want to share a 60 second exercise using the five senses to clear you head and re-focus.

It’s a 60 second exercise to clear the head and re-focus.  It requires no special preparation and can be done anywhere.  The hard part is to recognize you’re unsettled and to remember there is something you can do about it.

One important clue is intensity.  Our bodies often register intensity like an early warning system: headaches, muscle tension, sweating, a pounding heart, feeling too hot or cold, even stomachaches.

Another important clue is the complaint or blame loop that starts playing in your head. “People are unfair, disrespectful, close minded, wasting your time, or just plain stupid.”  

These body and mind clues let you know that you’re in a defensive mode and not thinking straight. This five step exercise uses your five senses to restore your common sense.

What do you see?

Look ... at a photo of someone you love, out the window, up and down, at art on the wall

What do you hear?

Listen ... to the sounds outside, to your heart beating, to your own breathing, to sounds in the room

What do you smell?

Inhale ... your colleagues’ cologne, the air around you, your cup of coffee, the lotion on your hands

What do you taste?

Savor ... the mint in your mouth, the carbonation in your soda, the nuts in a muffin, the salt on a pretzel

What are you touching?

Feel ... the floor under your feet, the texture of your hair, your hands on the table, the coolness of a glass

Here is an example of how a client used this exercise to calm down and start noticing what she could do differently to change a stressful situation.  My client often felt put down in business meetings.  She felt that nobody listened when she spoke. Adding insult to injury was when colleagues expressed ideas similar to hers and their ideas would get the group talking.

In the weekly business meeting, she recognized that she was crossing her arms and feeling annoyed.  She also noticed that a mental loop of resentment was playing in her head, “nobody is listening to me, and there goes someone else getting credit for my idea” 

Because she was able to notice her body/mind clues she took a soft, deep breath, placed a mint in her mouth and completed the 60 second scan of her senses. She ended with another soft, deep breath.

She felt calmer and ready to turn her full attention back to being a member of the group. Sure enough she noticed something new - when others used certain words and phrases, ones she had considered just “jargon,” those phrases actually stimulated group discussion.

Then she remembered that the company’s CEO often used key phrases at his town meetings and that corporate ads often featured the same language.

So she tried expressing her ideas in a different way and used the phrases other influential colleagues used. The discussion on the table was about recent travel cutbacks and her contribution went like this, “Since travel expenses are being modified to enhance revenue. I would like to propose we consider the ROI of setting up two new video conference rooms to maintain our current level of client contact”

 To her delight, the group enthusiastically discussed her proposal. She was very satisfied to have a strategy that helped her get unstuck.  She also surprised to learn that she didn’t use the same language as her colleagues when she wanted to her point across and how easy that was to change.

So don’t allow being defensive to hijack your common sense.  Use this quick and effective exercise to help you discover new ways to work. And remember, as we say in my family when going out the front door, “Don’t forget to use your common senses.”   

If you want to try out this strategy, I am happy to offer a free 20 minute consultation. Just send me an email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com

UnTeachable Moments

Most people have only heard about the teachable moments – spontaneous opportunities to gain insight and learn something new.  Yet when other people give us unsolicited feedback, want us to see the consequences of our actions, or teach us a lesson – these are called unteachable moments.  Not knowing the difference between a teachable and an unteachable moment results in frustration, annoyance, and resentment.  

Usually, unteachable moments involve power struggles.  Feeling like learning is being imposed on us, especially by authority figures such as parents, teachers, bosses, or even friends can trigger an automatic defensive reaction.  

We may believe that if we do what we’re told, then we are losing. The other person may believe that if we don’t do what they have told us, then they are letting us win. This is how suggestions and advice can trigger both parties into locking into a win-or-lose battle.

When we engage in a power struggle, we also lose any opportunity to learn from the experience.  The reflective and responsive parts of our brain go offline when the posterior region of our brain is stimulated, and our survival reactions are triggered.

Red Flags

The following cues are “red flags” that can help you recognize an unteachable moment—either as the teacher or the recipient of the teaching:

• You only agree with some of what the other person has said.  You feel compelled to share your insights and explain the real reasons for the problem. This is called a “yes/but” because after you agree, you then bring up how the other person is wrong.
• You or the other person’s body language gets stiff, tone of voice gets harsh, loud, sarcastic, etc. and breathing gets shallow.
• You both keep repeating the same lines, as if the other person just didn’t get it the first  time and being redundant will help. 
• You react with overly defiant (fight) or overly compliant (flight) behaviors.  Some people raise their voice and become argumentative (fight), while others may shut down or just give in (flight).

Redirection Strategies

Paying attention to “red flags” helps you to intervene on your own behalf. Recognizing your “red flags” allows you to redirect your attention from defensive stress reactions to strategic problem solving. The following strategies can help you stay calmer, shorten the duration of a power struggle, and even decrease the likelihood of the unteachable moment happening in the first place by not fueling the fire:

• Breathing – Stress reactions produce shallow breathing.  Slow, deep breaths signal to your brain and body that it is okay to calm down.
• Simply Noticing - Interpret the situation as an outside observer and don’t judge yourself or the other person.  Paying attention in this way is called mindfulness and allows the brain’s frontal cortex - the source of awareness, higher level reasoning, and resilience - to help you respond appropriately.
• Finding Humor – Give the repeating predicament and role you find yourself in a memorable name.  For example, when I feel responsibilities being piled on, I call that role “Cinderella.” Naming it helps me stop feeling overwhelmed so that I can then explore what’s up with me. When a young male client feels put upon he becomes sarcastic, and we call that behavior being “Bart Simpson.” Naming the role helps him stop being snarky, because Bart Simpson is an obnoxious kid and that’s not how he wants to be seen.

In The Moment

• Take a Break and Unlock – When you notice any of the red flags listed above acknowledge to yourself that you are locked into a reactive loop.  Your stuff triggers their stuff and that cycle begins to escalate.
• Call a timeout – Bathroom breaks and getting some water are handy reasons to step away, since few people will challenge a biological need.  Once you get a break, the quickest way to unlock is to ask yourself, “What would I have done differently?”
• Being curious and able to imagine a different behavior for yourself activates the reflective, curious, and responsive part of your brain.  You unlock.
• What is the goal? – Many heated arguments are not about anything important. Remind yourself of what’s the point of the conversation.  It can help you accomplish something, rather than feel you have wasted your time and have kept hitting your head against a wall.
• One Step at a Time - Propose something you both can agree on – mutually beneficial items work well.  It’s not the size of the item but that you both have taken a step in the right direction that is important.  You can build on an agreement no matter how basic.  An example would be to avoid talking about stuff at the end of the day when fatigue, hunger, or impatience tend to be higher.

Advance Work

• Know what triggers your defensive reactions and have a plan for dealing with conflict, even if you don’t actually have to use it.  Being prepared helps you to feel confident that you will act and not react in a stressful situation.
• Talk confidentially about your feelings, particularly the negative ones with someone who is not directly involved. If you want to try this strategy out, I am providing a free 20-minute consultation to everyone who receives my blog post.
  
  Use the contact form below to receive a follow-up email with some possible dates and times for a conversation.

What Did You Expect?

The New Year is a time that many people make resolutions to improve their lives.  It is also a time when people experience sadness and regret over what wasn’t accomplished or even started in the past year.  “What did you expect?” is the simple question that connects the optimism of improvement and the pessimism of procrastination.  Expectations are baked into everything we think and do, which is why they are often unexamined.  

Expectations can include wishes, beliefs, motivations, aversions, etc. anything that shapes your worldview.  A worldview is literally “how you look at the world” and is the silo where your expectations are stored.  Expectations can be looked at as what we need from ourselves and others (our world) to be productive and feel satisfied.  It makes sense that unexamined expectations are often the source of our disappointments.

Self-understanding is critical to identifying and managing expectations.  In my coaching practice I use a self-assessment tool, the Birkman Method™ that is like a personal GPS for understanding expectations. Through working with the Birkman Method for more than 20 years, I have identified several common reasons why expectations can get in the way of satisfying relationships and a greater sense of achievement.  Here are two that you might recognize:

1. Your expectations are contradictory.  You and others are unable to predict what you want because your expectations are contradictory, like the two-headed llama, “Push me - Pull you”, in the Dr. Doolittle movies, whose heads faced in opposite directions.
   
   One client got very annoyed if asked how she was feeling. She thought that her feelings were none of anyone’s business.  She felt it was her prerogative to share how she was feeling and she disliked being asked that question.  And yet this same person was often disappointed when others didn’t acknowledge the difficult or celebratory events in her life.
   
   In her Birkman report this contradiction showed up clearly – two fundamental expectations were at odds.  She never connected that her being very selective about confiding her inner feelings would get in the way of her expectation that significant others would give her genuine praise or gentle criticism.
   
   The Ah-ha moment about her contradictory expectations resulted in her being less defensive and more open about sharing feelings.  She understood that in order for others to get her, she needed to share more about herself.
    

2. You believe that you should not have to tell people what you feel is obvious.  The more intense our expectation, the greater our inner certainty that “it’s obvious.” Even very logical people make the assumption that others are psychic and should just know.
   
   Feelings of certainty were central to one of my client’s sense of himself.  He was a man who would withdraw or become verbally aggressive when others did not agree with him. He felt that others were being intentionally “stupid” about something that was easily understood.
   
   He expected others (at least those he considered the smart ones) to think just as he did. The Birkman Report helped him see that he was a very unusual thinker who could take a problem apart, look at individual parts, and then reassemble those parts into a viable solution.  We used to joke about him noticing when “everyone in a meeting went stupid” and how that was actually a signal that he needed to provide others with a roadmap on how he reached his conclusion and then invite others to ask clarifying questions.
   
   Learning to interpret the old feelings of annoyance as a call to action, rather than more evidence of others’ “stupidity”, opened many doors for my extremely smart-but-isolated client.  He began to appreciate his unique problem-solving talents and his colleagues began to look forward to hearing his one-of-a-kind point of view.  

Try This At Home (or Work)

I find people with an “it will get done, don’t worry” attitude very challenging because of my high standards around planning and being organized.  My worldview is “leave no mess behind.” A favorite strategy for managing the gap between my expectations and what others can realistically provide is to remind myself to breathe deeply.  The act of intentionally breathing in and then out usually distracts me from getting stuck in feelings of annoyance or frustration,  delivers extra oxygen to my brain, and gives me a minute to think about what I can do differently to accomplish my goal.

The self-coaching strategy that follows has helped me learn to see my expectations as strong preferences, rather than as requirements. I ask myself a few targeted questions, then answer them out loud or in writing.  Below are steps to help you identify and then follow your own good advice:

1. Recognize and understand your expectations.
   
   Expectations need to be vetted. Ask yourself, “What are my expectations about this situation?” Once you answer, then decide if your have conflicting expectations that require a choice to be made or unrealistic ones that need a rewrite.
   
   Example of an unrealistic expectation: “I want to be the expert and know everything.” Rewritten expectation: “I want to find out what I need to know to get the job done.”
   
   Example of conflicting expectations: “I want to get the proposal in on time and meet the deadline. “vs. “I don’t want to be rushed.”
   
   Identify the hurdles and helps to your expectations being met.
   
   Example of a hurdle: Harsh self-criticism when mistakes are made that sinks your energy and initiative.
   
   Example of a help: Exploring rather than escaping after making a mistake.  Figuring out what you would do differently.
    

2. Regularly communicate your expectations to others in a positive way.
   
   Tone can be even more important than the words you use when speaking. When texting or emailing, tone is conveyed by using neutral phrases that won’t trigger defensive reactions.
   
   Example:  “Thank you for the update,” is a quick, neutral response that acknowledges you have received the email, and gives you time to think before sending a more in-depth response.
    

3. Negotiate realistically with others in terms of what they can give and what you can accept.
   
   Example: “Let’s agree on a specific time for you to send the report for my review. I would like to receive it before 4:00 PM.  What do you think?”
    

4. Don’t take it just personally when your expectations are not met.  Most of us have a tendency to feel disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed around unmet expectations. Learning to interpret those feelings as signals that you’re taking things just personally, allows you to be curious and ask yourself “What would I see if I was an objective outside observer?”
   
   A quote from the French author Anais Nin summarizes the self-knowledge needed to understand expectations: “We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are.”

If you would like to explore these concepts further please contact me below:

Tantrums

Tantrums are associated with being childish.  Phrases like “Don’t act like a child” or “Are you taking all your marbles and going home?” make it difficult for adults to admit that they tantrum.  It is an immature reaction to frustration or disappointment and yet it is also a common reaction for many adults.

Not recognizing that you tantrum makes it very hard to communicate about sensitive situations.  People who throw tantrums are often seen as difficult or overly sensitive people with a low tolerance for not getting things their way. So, other people either usually wait for the tantrum thrower to just wind down or fuel the fire by calling the behavior childish. This limited giving and getting of feedback is why the tantrum cycle continues into adulthood unchanged.

Unfortunately, frustration and disappointment are common themes during the holidays with family, friends, and colleagues. That is why there are so many “how to survive the holidays” and “what not to do at your office party” tip sheets. The good advice is often focused on not overeating or drinking and warnings to set “realistic expectations” and not attempt replicating a Hallmark Card or Channel moment at home.

The most important piece of information for a tantrum-free holiday is your own early warning system. The physical feelings right before a tantrum takes hold are very strong and can help you recognize that you are at a fork in the road – to tantrum or to choose another way of responding.  Some people just go from calm to crazy, but usually if you throw tantrums there is a predictable wind up to the tantrum. 

Before a tantrum I have shortness of breath and feel increased anxiety. I’ve learned to recognize these pre-tantrum signals and remind myself to “proceed with caution” since I am not at my best.  With intention I can take a break, get a glass of water, or sometimes “act as if” I can handle it and keep going. 

A client who is working on recognizing his pre-tantrum signals gets “hot” inside and feels the heat spreading.  He cools down by breathing deeply and telling himself to “chill out.” 

Another client is sensitive to being made fun of in a group and feels like she has been hit in the solar plexus by an off-the-cuff comment or joke.  She would calm herself by eating sweets or drinking, literally swallowing her feelings. Escaping her feelings was only a temporary fix and delaying the tantrum made it even harder for her to remember the initial trigger. Choosing to stay with her uncomfortable feelings, rather than escaping them, has allowed her to use her feelings as a cue to check in with herself and not have a reaction that is bigger than the real or perceived insult.

How do I know these strategies work? People comment on how much easier it is to talk about and listen to topics that used to be off limits when they recognize and manage their tendency to tantrum.  Believing in your own ability to make productive choices can make the difference between throwing a tantrum or being strategic in thought and action. Here is wishing you a tantrum-free holiday season!

If you are intrigued by this informational piece on adult tantrums and want to explore further, please contact me below:

How "Golden" Are Your Rules?

Relational Intelligence has evolved out of research on Emotional Intelligence. Developmentally, we appear to learn how to take care of others first (social-awareness/relational management), and then apply that learning to how we take care of ourselves (self-awareness/self-management).

Sometimes that developmental sequence goes sideways and we develop a defensive sensitivity to others where we primarily learn how to sense threat from others to prevent them from harming us. Luckily we can become more relationally literate to be able to read real threats from others accurately rather than to perceive threats where none exists or are intended. As we learn healthy relational management we also become more secure and resilient in our ability to manage ourselves. These skills help us to no longer act just defensively. We begin instead to act relationally by taking care of ourselves while simultaneously recognizing the needs of others.

“Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr., minister and civil rights activist

So how do learn to live with ourselves and others? Recognizing where we are starting from helps. Below is a developmental ladder using variations on the “Golden Rule” to illustrate the range of Relational Intelligence from defensive to interdependent. The ladder of learning metaphor is a useful tool to notice where you stand or are stuck on a particular rung. Interestingly, just remembering that learning is a lifelong process (going up or down the rungs) will help get you unstuck. It may be that you have just forgotten that there are other steps you still need to take.

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
- Parker Palmer, author and educator

 

The Relational "Golden Rules" Ladder of Development

View fullsize

Rating Your Relational Intelligence

Compare how you apply the following relational behaviors to yourself and others. Rate each behavior on a scale of 1-4 (1 rarely, 2 sometimes, 3 often, 4 usually). 

Explore with a coach, counselor, trusted friend or colleague how these behaviors towards yourself and others impact your career and personal life.

Celebrates expected and special accomplishments.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Compassionate about learning something new and mistakes.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Supports a wellness focused lifestyle.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Strategically uses strengths and talents.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Chooses a role that is solution-oriented in difficult situations.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Says “no” to a task or even to fun when energy is low.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Addresses specific gains and losses vs. always and never statements.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Resists escaping into food, drama, shopping, alcohol, giving advice, generosity, etc. when anxious.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Finds a spiritual center as a counterweight to daily distractions.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

If you are intrigued by this informational piece on relational development and want to explore further, please contact me at patwardconsulting@gmail.com for a deeper conversation.

The Right Role At The Right Time

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow, behavioral psychologist

How do you manage your roles at work and at home? Most of us have many different roles that we play throughout the day. The important thing to remember is to match the appropriate role with the situation - use the right tool for the job. A three-part approach is to identify your favorite role, then assess the situation, and finally, if your favorite role isn't a good match, choose a more appropriate role to play. Many unproductive conflicts you have with others are actually about misinterpreting the situation rather than an interpersonal problem.

Step One: Identify Your Favorite Roles

While there are many roles you may play, in ambiguous or very stressful situations a typical reaction is to go to a "familiar role" often one you play with family or friends. Your familiar role has a strong pull and will often be your go to role because it typically showcases your strengths. That is why when a situation is unfamiliar you may revert to a familiar role in order to be on solid ground even if it makes the situation more turbulent.

Think about a time when using your familiar role resulted in a negative outcome that was frustrating, disappointing, confusing or caused resentment. Now remember the situation and imagine a do over - a different role you could have chosen. Would going to this role have made a difference? For example, while you may be an excellent problem solver, what would happen if someone came to you with a problem and you asked them if they just needed you to listen? Would you, being in the role of listener, enable them to find their own solution? It may seem ironic that using your strengths could create problems, yet your advice may fill up the space that others could use to find their own answers.

Step Two: Assess the Situation

Below are four situations with sample roles which indicate what action is needed. You may not agree with match of situations to roles and that's fine. The point is to intentionally choose a role rather than just react out of habit.

Sample Situations and Roles:

A. Options need to be explored - Facilitator             

B. Buy-in is essential - Influencer

C. Know-how is needed - Trouble Shooter                                

D  Follow procedures - Monitor

Step Three: Matching Your Role to the Situation

To be successful you will need to have a menu of roles, an awareness of what works and what doesn't, and learn how to choose a role to match the situation. It takes practice to remain curious about what role the situation requires and having a tool kit will help. An effective way to practice matching roles to situations is to think about grouping the situational roles by color:    red = action, green = communication, blue = consideration, and yellow = cooperation.

RED SITUATIONS NEED ACTION ROLES

• Know-how is needed - Trouble Shooter
• A decision needs to be made - Closer
• No time to delegate - Expert 

GREEN SITUATIONS NEED COMMUNICATION ROLES

• Many hands are needed - Team Builder
• Buy-in is essential - Influencer
• Skepticism needed - Contrarian

BLUE SITUATIONS NEED CONSIDERATION ROLES

• Brainstorm new ideas - Innovator
• All points of view aired - Facilitator
• Identify the greater good - Listener

YELLOW SITUATIONS NEED COOPERATION ROLES

• Shared values are essential - Mediator
• Data needs to be processed - Researcher
• Procedures critical to follow - Monitor

Often determining the right role for the situation requires figuring it out on the spot. Revisit your the familiar roles you play and see if there are red, green, blue and yellow roles you can use in the predictable situations encountered at work and home.

If you are missing a color or two, borrow the right "color" role from the chart above. Having a role to go to in the short term allows you to "act-as-if", giving you time to think, be curious, imagine, and identify a role that you can play productively in the long term.

Getting Unstuck

There is a folk saying about how to get out of a hole – put down the shovel and stop digging. Getting stuck in no win behavior is called commitment bias. Economists, marketers, and psychologists study its causes and effects.

Commitment bias refers to a behavior you keep doing regardless of its effectiveness because you have already invested so many resources into that course of action. The commitment becomes a point of pride insulating you from acknowledging wasting all that time, money, and effort. Unfortunately, this self-protective thinking is also irrational and ignores all the facts that are telling you to make a course correction.

Recognize You Are Stuck

The first and most difficult step to getting unstuck is to recognize that you have dug yourself into a hole. Recognition requires that you monitor results (is what you want actually happening?), reassess your motivation (why did you get into this and is that reason still valid?), and most importantly, keeping an open mind instead of becoming defensive when others ask you questions. Taking on the role of a skeptical friend will help you consider an exit strategy, rather than locking into the mantra “failure is not an option.”

Another way to tell you are in too deep is if you are making excuses, complaining, blaming, and being self-righteous – you may even believe that everyone else has a closed mind. Those generalizations are flashing red lights telling you to stop, look, and listen.

Make A Course Correction

Once you have recognized the problem and stopped the problematic behavior, then make the course correction. Course correction is a dynamic process that allows you to learn from your mistakes and get back on track. The best course corrections are made using multiple sources of data. Consider using your internal data, such as interpreting defensive behavior as a cue to stop and reevaluate your position as well as paying attention to external data, such as political, economic, social, and technological trends as clues to help you turn the situation around.

Learn to Succeed

Purpose, results, outcomes, goals, ends are words with similar meanings and can all be measured. If you have committed to an action, what will success look like and how will you measure your return on the investment you have made of time, money, or effort? If you can’t answer these questions, then you may not actually want to succeed. For you, the dream of success may be more important to maintain than focusing your resources on actually succeeding.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” - General Colin Powell

Ask yourself, do you believe there are secrets to success that you just need to discover? Or more realistically, are you prepared to work hard, learn from failure, and make the necessary course corrections to succeed?

Annoyance - Do This, Not That

Perception is a funny thing. Look at something one way and you feel threatened. Turn your head and suddenly the same thing seems familiar. The mystery novel version of this phenomenon is the main character walking down a dark hallway and seeing a monster at the top of the stairs. He shines his flashlight at the monster and he suddenly realizes that it is just his own reflection in the mirror.

Annoyance is a dark hallway type of feeling to shine some light on. Often the characteristics we find annoying in others we consider virtues in ourselves. For example, when I encounter someone who insists they are always right, I find it annoying. Yet when I take a stand on something and refuse to move from my point of view, I see it as being principled and courageous in my convictions.

Want another example? When somebody asks a lot of questions you may think, "why does she ask so many questions all the time?" That may be exactly the same thing you do, but you may consider your behavior as doing due diligence and just getting all the facts.

We all experience annoyance every day and generally assume that it is coming from an external source. While that is true, it is also not the whole truth; the feeling of annoyance is coming from within. So when dealing with other people's annoying traits, one strategy is to think about them as a mirror that allows you to see traits that you may want to examine in yourself. Given the significant role annoyance plays in our lives, it is important to understand its impact and recognize how we contribute to our own reactions.

In fact, some people enjoy being annoyed, relish the feeling of demonizing others and sanctifying their own perceptions. It confirms a particular belief they have about a person or circumstance. However, it is important to build a greater tolerance for annoying behavior (ours and others) to accomplish our goals and objectives.

Other people try to dismiss annoyance altogether by ignoring the feeling, or accepting it as something that they just can't do anything about. "Oh that person is always annoying. Think about when you are thirsty. You can sit there and be thirsty, or you can do something about it and get yourself something to drink. You may find yourself attending meetings where they never provide water and you find that annoying. However, rather than just being annoyed each time, you can simply bring your own bottle of water.

When someone is asking, what on the surface seems like irrelevant, time-consuming questions, you need to be more of a detective and figure out what you are missing that the other person is seeing. It may be that the person needs the information rolled out in more detail or needs to explore scenarios of unintended consequences. You don't want to cut to the chase at the expense of losing what could be a valuable contribution to the decision making process. It's in your best interest to find out. You may still reject the other person’s perspective, but at least you were able to weigh its merit rather than it being a blind spot.

Sincerely wanting to learn more will set the right tone and help the other person from taking your question personally. Often it is not the question but the annoyed tone that triggers confrontation. Imagine you are in a meeting where your colleagues appear to be making little progress resolving a problem. They continually discuss what you consider low priority, insignificant details for 30-45 minutes. Once you hear those insignificant details being discussed, skip annoyance and try being curious instead. What are all the details being brought up really pointing out? Try being curious and genuinely ask what the other person’s concerns are; what are they worried about? When you ask a direct question you'll feel more engaged, they'll feel heard, and the work will benefit from your curiosity.

You stay annoyed instead of curious at your own peril. The person asking the annoying question is like the canary in the mine and is simply sensing something is wrong. The person’s questions may feel ill timed and not particularly helpful, but in fact they could be surfacing something that needs further exploration and will lead to a more satisfying and successful outcome.

Communication Shortcuts

When a situation triggers stressful feelings, it may seem counterintuitive to intentionally speak up. If giving and getting feedback is uncomfortable for you remember that those feelings are short term but a misunderstanding can fester for years or spontaneously combust into conflict. Feedback is actually a positive communication shortcut that creates clarity.

There are also defensive communication shortcuts - flight or fight behaviors. Fight and flight behaviors create blind spots and are outcomes of not using feedback. There is actually a spectrum of feelings that begin with uncomfortable and spiral downward into irritation, negativity, taking things extremely personally and end with fight or flight defensive behaviors.

The good news is that downward spirals can be slowed down and even stopped by speaking up. With a little practice, giving and getting feedback will clear the air very quickly.

Use Strengths To See Blind Spots

"The range of what we think and do
is limited by what we fail to notice.
And because we fail to notice
there is little that we can do
to change
until we notice
how failing to notice
shapes our thoughts and deeds."
- R.D. Laing, psychiatrist

What is a blind spot? It is data that your mind doesn't take in, just like a blind spot in your car's rearview mirror - something outside of your field of vision. How do we identify blind spots? One quick way is to make a list of your strengths because blind spots and strengths have a ying/yang relationship.

Strengths can be bundled into four major categories - communication, implementation, administration, and vision. Our identity is forged by our strengths. Children quickly learn to use their strengths to get rewards and to avoid punishments. What we are good at carries our careers forward, but paradoxically it is often the cause of our careers stalling.

An example would be "always telling the truth." This strength might be your defining characteristic that others depend on. It can also result in "all good" and "all bad" thinking with no gray area. However, your diplomacy may be underdeveloped and you may also label people who are more diplomatic as "playing politics" or even "liars", consequently you may not listen to what they say or take them seriously, which means you will not have all the data available to you for making informed decisions.

Blind spots come in two general areas - tasks and people. Task related blind spots involve deadlines, scheduling, systems, and capacity. People related blind spots involve communication, motivation, feedback, and empathy. Noticing your blind spots is very difficult because you will literally not pay attention to what you aren't interested in and reject what you dislike. Because you want to identify and solve problems using your strengths, you will overestimate the importance of what you do "see" and underestimate the importance of what is in your blind spot.

The problem with this selective attention is that you will be blind sided by the same predicaments over and over again - like falling into the same hole because you always look up and never look down. Self-awareness is critical, since you need to identify your blind spots to begin to learn how to better meet your goals. Conflict management is a great place to start locating a blind spot because most of us dislike conflict and are motivated to change a negatively repeating pattern. For example, if your strengths are being low key and cooperative you may notice that you do not assert your own interests until after a conflict occurs, and then you become angry or disappointed.

This kind of repeating pattern usually results in "there they go again taking advantage of me" type thoughts. However if you begin to think of these repeating patterns as data pointing to a potential blind spot in asserting your interests, you may begin to say to yourself, "there I go again, not speaking up." Since your behavior is predictable you can prepare in advance to negotiate in your best interests. A great resource to learn more about asserting your interests is The Power of the Positive No by William Urhy.

Unfortunately, blind spots tend to come in clusters and not speaking up is often accompanied by giving mixed messages such as being accommodating and then becoming judgmental about others lack of consideration. Using techniques such as a feedback loop can help you learn how your behavior impacts a situation's outcome.

There are four stages in the classic feedback loop:

• Data Stage - Noticing patterns of behavior that either move you away from or closer to your goal.
• Relevance Stage - Paying attention to data that impacts goals which emotionally resonate for you.
• Choice stage - Recalibrating your behavior to move you closer towards your goal.
• Response stage - Implementing the new behavior then running a double feedback loop to deepen the learning process.

When you using your strengths you're in your comfort zone. Seeing what you expect to see in order to use these strengths allows you to validate your behavior regardless of what the situation requires. Moving outside your comfort zone and incorporating the data from the feedback loop may feel uncomfortable, difficult and risky. But exploring this data often yields provides surprising insights and strategies.

The ying/yang of strengths and blinds spots never goes away, but learning to be curious about this tension can result in a more accurate assessment of any issue or situation. Learning about your blind spots will help you make intentional choices to be productive and flexible in new ways.

Healthy Narcissism

"If I am not for myself, who is for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I?" - Rabbi Hillel, First Century CE.

Narcissism or self-centeredness has been on the mind of great thinkers since antiquity. Unfortunately, in today's popular culture it is the very skewed tabloid, reality show, and clinically pathological kind of narcissism that is most prominent. But in fact, narcissism is a normal part of human development and it is important to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy narcissism.

What is healthy narcissism? Useful descriptions include self-confidence rooted in genuine competence; self-esteem that is linked to meeting reasonable goals; wholehearted altruism; giving others the benefit of the doubt when there is circumstantial evidence to the contrary, and discovering the value in different points of view rather than quickly dismissing them.

What is unhealthy narcissism? Behaviors like excessive selfishness; making hurtfully blunt and clueless comments; being grandiose and vain; hearing others' feedback as personal attacks; or constantly putting yourself down.

We all struggle with unhealthy narcissism particularly when our limitations and imperfections surface. The most common reactions are to become insulted and defensive. Consequently, we can become frustrated, resentful, overwhelmed, or judgmental. The ability to cultivate greater compassion for our own mistakes, shortcomings and setbacks, and those of others, is essential for healthy narcissism to develop.

Healthy narcissism enables us to be curious, learn from experiences, steady ourselves, and pursue our goals. Everyone understands that a toddler will bump her head or fall down while learning to become competent at standing and walking. Unfortunately, we forget this process when it applies to skill building around healthy narcissism and acceptance needed for practice and making mistakes.

An effective strategy for building healthy narcissism is to pay attention to defensive behaviors and use them as cues to recognize when your narcissism is becoming lopsided and unhealthy. Lopsidedness means either paying too much attention to yourself at the expense of others or conversely focusing too much attention on others at the expense of yourself. Reinterpreting common defensive behaviors and using them as signals to do something else will allow you to flip that negative reaction into a productive response and steady yourself. Just like learning to walk - practice makes permanent.

Cue: Frustration

Frustration can happen when others don't agree with your perspective and can result in your becoming cynical and close-minded about their ideas. Ask yourself: do you feel you are right and the other person is wrong? To gain perspective and steady yourself: put yourself on the spot and ask a skeptical question about your own logic, then act as if there is more than one problem to solve. See if this strategy results in others opening up their minds.

Cue: Resentment

Resentment can happen when others show a lack of appreciation towards you and can result in your becoming disappointed and easily offended. Ask yourself: do you feel taken advantage of or taken for granted? To gain perspective and steady yourself: think of something you are proud of at home or work, then act as if you are proud of others' contributions and tell them. See if modeling appreciation of others results in others appreciating you more.

Cue: Overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed can happen when other people's problems continually take precedence over your own. This can result in your feeling guilty if you don't help others, yet overwhelmed if you do. Ask yourself: are you overwhelmed because by meeting someone else's needs your needs are not being met? To gain perspective and steady yourself: give yourself permission to act as if taking care of yourself first will make it easier to help someone else. See if modeling the airplane safety tip of giving yourself oxygen first results in you being able to help others and not get depleted.

Cue: Judgmental

Being judgmental can happen when you perceive a situation to be unfair and results in your labeling people "good guys" or "bad guys". Ask yourself: do you know the whole story? To gain perspective and steady yourself: imagine a scenario where there is more than one solution, then act as if both the "bad guys" and the "good guys" will contribute to solving the problem. Encourage a win/win way of resolving the problem.

Narcissism is a complex developmental stage that impacts professional and personal success. Like other aspects of a healthy lifestyle, healthy narcissism requires that we make mindful choices. Monitoring your behavior, and using the information as cues to modify defensive tactics, will further your progress in dealing with the inherent tension between healthy and unhealthy narcissism. By making a conscious choice to increase your capacity for healthy narcissism, you will build interpersonal strength and flexibility that lasts a lifetime.

Sharpen Your Focus

The word resolution has many definitions. Finding a resolution is most commonly thought of as determining a course of action in order to accomplish and complete a task. Your definition may also relate to establishing the resolve to make a positive change (think New Year's Resolution). While these definitions are all valid, my favorite definition involves bringing things into focus with greater clarity, similar to how greater resolution of a photograph sharpens the image.

I find thinking about resolution from the perspective of gaining greater clarity is an effective way to increase productivity, strengthen relationships, improve results, and reduce stress. A reliable way to arrive at these outcomes is by asking clarifying questions. However, it is important that your clarifying questions are not viewed as "gotcha questions" designed to put anyone on the spot. Rather you want your clarifying questions to demonstrate your genuine curiosity about what is being proposed and your desire to better understand the issue.

One of the best communication strategies I have learned is to "act as if" the other person is a foreign dignitary and I need to ask questions that are aligned with her country's customs, choosing words that demonstrate respect that will not insult or offend the person. Based on conversational cues, here are four clarifying questions that I have found useful in moving the discussion forward as opposed to shutting it down.

• If you hear generalized frustration about a lack of action; the problem may be related to getting results.
  Clarifying question: "What kind of tasks do you envision assigning to us?"
• If you hear generalized complaining, the problem may be related to people needing to vent.
  Clarifying question: "Could you elaborate a little more on this issue and I'll just listen?"
• If you hear generalized uncertainty; the problem may be related to people requiring more time to think.
  Clarifying question: "Could we do more brainstorming before we move on?"
• If you hear generalized concern about a lack of details; the problem may be related to the unfamiliar approach being used.
  Clarifying question: "Can you share any examples where this has been done successfully before?"

When issues are resolved, it really means they are clarified in a way that allows you to move on to the next step. And there will always be a next step with worthwhile projects. Clarifying questions are an efficient way of sharpening the discussion and getting to the heart of the matter so you can actually move towards that next step.

Checking Vital Signs

An accurate read of your organization's health is critical in assessing its current and future viability. However, getting an accurate read requires careful listening and observation. Here are some vital signs to look for to help make an objective assessment.

In healthy organizations:

• There is a consistent flow of new information about old problems.
• Pleasant surprises and unexpected sources of innovation are commonplace.
• Data is frequently uncovered that contradicts traditional wisdom.
• Obvious and not so obvious organizational connections and patterns are identified.
• Attention is simultaneously devoted to both short and long-range planning.

In unhealthy organizations:

• More attention is paid to what is missing than to what exists.
• Untangling ambiguous or complex issues is often avoided in favor of making black or white decisions in an effort to appear decisive.
• New packaging of old and tired ideas are created under the banner of new initiatives.
• Stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are what drive employees to complete their work.
• Fault and blame are assigned to unidentified people in power with phrases like "they should do this," or "why don't they do that?"

So, is your organization healthy or unhealthy? Healthy organizations are focused, and energized. Unhealthy organizations are unfocused and tired. Unfortunately, unhealthy organizations often appear focused and energized but nothing could be further from the truth. Their pulse appears to be throbbing only because they are scurrying from one crisis to the next which requires a great deal of activity. But these organizations are unable to differentiate between real vitality and progress, as opposed to frenzied activity and drama.

Additionally, if the organization's existence supports the public's self-interest or altruistic impulses, the public will also ignore any signs that a once vital organization is dead or dying. How can sense be made if the organization is in denial and the public is colluding? When nothing seems to work in your organization, it may be because there is nothing there to work with. Like the saying goes, "when you discover you are riding a dead horse - dismount." The horse is dead.

The resources available to any organization are precious commodities that cannot be squandered. If your organization is putting those resources into trying to fix something that is permanently broken or worse, already dead, you need to cut your losses and regroup. If you are able to identify healthy vital signs in a specific department, workgroup, or project, recalibrate and direct the organizations resources into those areas. The proper diagnosis and prescription will ultimately prove to be the difference between the life and death of your organization.

Are You A Good Friend?

This may be the most important social intelligence question anyone can ask himself or herself. Friendship requires paying attention to the other person's interests, needs, and communication style. It often begins based on things you have in common such as a love of sports, dislike of the color magenta, or shared beliefs about religion, politics, or second hand smoke.

Friendship is sustained however by your ability to accept and value a friend's differences. Their collection of beer bottles, dislike of all spicy foods, or humming top forty hits while hiking may all drive you nuts but your friend is still your friend.

Finding what you have in common with another person at work is made easier if you stop focusing on liking the person and instead find some value in their ideas, work style, or organizational savvy. Learning to focus on what you have in common to get the work assignment completed can help you also appreciate their differences and leverage their strengths to get the job done.

How do you override an immediate feeling of dislike? Identify how you feel around the person and label their behavior - boring, pushy, selfish, know-it-all, etc. Then identify someone else about whom you have had similar feelings. The earlier the connection the better - schoolmates and family members are often good reference points. Why bother with this step? It helps you know when "dislike" is a familiar role you slip into without thinking about what is appropriate in the current situation - a hyperlink to the past that confuses your thinking.

Since these connections are made early in life you probably didn't have a very sophisticated way of dealing with people you disliked. Forms of aggression or avoidance were the most common reactions - fight or flight. We all have a preferred familiar role we go to when these connections are triggered. What is yours?

Here are some strategies for dealing with both fight and flight reactions:

• Label the behavior that is making you frustrated, angry, or dismissive.
• Address the behavior. It is the behavior not the person that is the problem.
• Take a break (bathroom, quick walk, glass of water, reschedule, etc.) so that you have time to think about what the current situation requires and not just react.
• Keep your focus on what task needs to be accomplished then find a way to build an ally and not make an enemy.

Are you a good friend? If you can answer yes, then you can transfer those qualities to building alliances at work. Use your social intelligence strengths on demand and learn to transfer what works in one situation to another. That flexibility will make you someone people want on their team and as their friend.