Undoing Negativity

Defensiveness, reactivity, close mindedness - all these words are synonyms for negativity. Everyone has experienced negativity when faced with an unpleasant situation such as imposed change, or conflict. Undoing negativity requires us to recognize we are in an altered state in the back of our brain and need to use the frontal area of our brain to generate tactical strategies to respond instead of being reactive.  

The brain is a collaborative organ and doesn't actually have three discrete silos (front, mid, back). There is constant cross talk between the sections. However, each of the brain’s three sections has a dominant function - front: executive functions like judgment, objectivity, choice; mid: emotions, memories, imagination; back: defensive tactics like freeze, fight and flight which can be directed outward or inward.

Below are some ABC’s for undoing negativity. Following these steps can rapidly move you from back of the brain tactics (freeze, fight, or flight) and get the front of your brain back online. 

Step A - Identify the emotions you are feeling.

The daily practice of keeping track of your everyday emotional experiences and labeling them with a feeling word can build your capacity to handle even difficult emotions. Writing incidents down will help you remember the specifics of the situation (triggers, physical sensations, reactions, both yours and others). Try using a primary feeling word from this list: Interest, Joy, Surprise, Fear, Anger, Sadness, Disgust, and Shame. Or choose from a simplified feeling menu of glad, mad, sad and scared.

Step B – Identify how you react with negativity in stressful situations

Negative behaviors like complaining, blaming, criticizing, and helping too much are also cues. These behaviors form in childhood when we are powerless and dependent on others. The tactics which worked when we were children are unfortunately less effective and sometimes destructive as adults.

Notice when the intensity of negative thoughts or feelings are occurring - insulted, resentful, heroic, hopeless, lonely, not good enough, betrayed, etc. Are your emotions out of proportion to the situation? If yes, you may be in the grip of the 90/10 reaction. This reaction is when 90% of the emotional intensity is coming from the past. Something has triggered a reminder of prior stressful circumstances. Only 10% of your response is related to the here and now.

To reduce the impulse to automatically go to childhood coping behaviors, give for favorite defensive behavior a nickname to help you pause and inject some humor into a stressful situation. Naming is a front brain function – a short cut out of the back of the brain. Examples for nicknames include:

• Goldilocks when things have to be just right.

• Bart Simpson when you are snarky.

• Cinderella when you are hyper responsible.

• Chef Gordon Ramsey when you are annoyed.

• Lucy from Peanuts when you are bossy.

• Eeyore when you are a sad sack.

• St. Joan of Arc when you are a hero.

In addition to specific old roles, another common practice of negativity is called "Mindreading," something that very perceptive people are prone to. Mindreading is predicting what others are thinking or feeling without fact checking those assumptions - they seem so obvious. This is our brain's version of "fake news" or "false facts." Ask yourself, “Can you actually read minds or predict the future?” If the answer is “no” label your insight as an unverified assumption.

Step C - Imagine what you would do differently.

You can identify and use adult strategies instead of childhood survival tactics by imagining a different response to the original incident. Ask yourself, “knowing what you know now, what will you do differently?” What you know now are the names of your feelings and that you overreacted to an emotional trigger.

Answering this question are mid and front brain activities. If you say “I don’t know” it may means you are still stuck in the back of your brain. Don’t give up, review steps A and B until you can imagine having a choice and doing things differently next time.

Reflection:

Knowing what you know now how does the following quote resonate for you? What can you do differently?

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that created them. Albert Einstein, German American physicist

If you have any comments or questions about this post, you can contact me via email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com or use this contact form to schedule a complimentary 20 minute conversation.

What Souvenirs Do You Save?

Below is the audio version of this blog post:

This Secret of the Universe is about how to increase what you learn from experience.  I’m going to begin by sharing with you why I named my blog Secrets of the Universe.

It was for sentimental reasons, as my children were growing up.  I used the phrase “tips for living” when providing guidance or giving advice.  However, that phrase wasn’t too attention grabbing.  So I switched to a phrase with built in fascination, Secrets of the Universe. 

Everyone loves knowing something they aren’t supposed to know and all Secrets of the Universe also came with a warning, about using the knowledge responsibly. The kids were told that most people never had access to this information, especially children their age, but that I thought they could handle it, however, they would have to promise to use their powers for good.

Because they knew these Secrets of the Universe, my children felt better equipped to navigate their day-to-day lives. As adults, they are still proud to report when they have used their powers for good.

The first Secret of the Universe I shared with my children became a dinner table ritual. It was about what to keep and how to remember their daily experience – their souvenirs.

At dinner time, when asked, “How was your day?” there would be a lot of complaining from my children, my husband and me - about school, work, the weather, or any little thing that was annoying. Something had to change.

I did some research on story-telling and how reframing our experience depends on the questions we ask, and the words we use to answer them.  I am going to share with you how to collect stories from your day - about what went right, as well as understanding what you could have done differently when things went wrong.  The questions promote a positive attitude and curiosity about learning from experience. 

Secrets of the Universe are a collage of knowledge from many sources assembled to provoke learning using common sense, practical know-how, and shared collective wisdom. After gathering this knowledge together, I condensed these big thoughts into several simple questions.

The Four Questions

1. What was positive about your day?
What good experiences do you want to repeat?

2. What went wrong and what do you wish you could do over?
Specifically, what would you change about your own behavior to get a better outcome?

3. What did you discover about your day?
This open-ended question is a real conversation starter. Patterns, surprises, and things to think about further will result.

4. What are you looking forward to?
What you look forward to could be large or small – watching TV, playing with friends, going to yoga class, or tomorrow’s delicious lunch.

Short and Long Term Benefits

I am happy to report that my children grew into wonderful adults and that their father and I probably benefited more than they did from learning how to increase our learning from experience.  I am sharing this with you because I think you will benefit too.

What souvenirs of your day-to-day life do you save? Many people tend to hoard the real or imagined slights, disappointments, and injustices of their day. This habit of collecting troubling thoughts takes a lot of energy and reduces your capacity for new learning.

However, with practice you can learn to be less subjective and not take setbacks, just personally.  You can increase your capacity to interpret daily events more objectively by asking yourself these simple questions. Having something to do that is easy at the end of the day is always a plus.

The short and long-term results are great.  For example:

• Less complaining and frustration about other people.

• Less negative predictions about the future.

• Increased understanding of how your action/inaction impacts your day.

• Intentional choices to do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Welcome to our family tradition and may the Secrets of the Universe help to keep us all curious about, “the worlds that go on within us and without us.” Many thanks to the late George Harrison for that bit of wisdom.

If you want to try out this strategy, I am happy to offer a free 20 minute consultation. Just send me an email: patwardconsulting@gmail.com

What Did You Expect?

The New Year is a time that many people make resolutions to improve their lives.  It is also a time when people experience sadness and regret over what wasn’t accomplished or even started in the past year.  “What did you expect?” is the simple question that connects the optimism of improvement and the pessimism of procrastination.  Expectations are baked into everything we think and do, which is why they are often unexamined.  

Expectations can include wishes, beliefs, motivations, aversions, etc. anything that shapes your worldview.  A worldview is literally “how you look at the world” and is the silo where your expectations are stored.  Expectations can be looked at as what we need from ourselves and others (our world) to be productive and feel satisfied.  It makes sense that unexamined expectations are often the source of our disappointments.

Self-understanding is critical to identifying and managing expectations.  In my coaching practice I use a self-assessment tool, the Birkman Method™ that is like a personal GPS for understanding expectations. Through working with the Birkman Method for more than 20 years, I have identified several common reasons why expectations can get in the way of satisfying relationships and a greater sense of achievement.  Here are two that you might recognize:

1. Your expectations are contradictory.  You and others are unable to predict what you want because your expectations are contradictory, like the two-headed llama, “Push me - Pull you”, in the Dr. Doolittle movies, whose heads faced in opposite directions.
   
   One client got very annoyed if asked how she was feeling. She thought that her feelings were none of anyone’s business.  She felt it was her prerogative to share how she was feeling and she disliked being asked that question.  And yet this same person was often disappointed when others didn’t acknowledge the difficult or celebratory events in her life.
   
   In her Birkman report this contradiction showed up clearly – two fundamental expectations were at odds.  She never connected that her being very selective about confiding her inner feelings would get in the way of her expectation that significant others would give her genuine praise or gentle criticism.
   
   The Ah-ha moment about her contradictory expectations resulted in her being less defensive and more open about sharing feelings.  She understood that in order for others to get her, she needed to share more about herself.
    

2. You believe that you should not have to tell people what you feel is obvious.  The more intense our expectation, the greater our inner certainty that “it’s obvious.” Even very logical people make the assumption that others are psychic and should just know.
   
   Feelings of certainty were central to one of my client’s sense of himself.  He was a man who would withdraw or become verbally aggressive when others did not agree with him. He felt that others were being intentionally “stupid” about something that was easily understood.
   
   He expected others (at least those he considered the smart ones) to think just as he did. The Birkman Report helped him see that he was a very unusual thinker who could take a problem apart, look at individual parts, and then reassemble those parts into a viable solution.  We used to joke about him noticing when “everyone in a meeting went stupid” and how that was actually a signal that he needed to provide others with a roadmap on how he reached his conclusion and then invite others to ask clarifying questions.
   
   Learning to interpret the old feelings of annoyance as a call to action, rather than more evidence of others’ “stupidity”, opened many doors for my extremely smart-but-isolated client.  He began to appreciate his unique problem-solving talents and his colleagues began to look forward to hearing his one-of-a-kind point of view.  

Try This At Home (or Work)

I find people with an “it will get done, don’t worry” attitude very challenging because of my high standards around planning and being organized.  My worldview is “leave no mess behind.” A favorite strategy for managing the gap between my expectations and what others can realistically provide is to remind myself to breathe deeply.  The act of intentionally breathing in and then out usually distracts me from getting stuck in feelings of annoyance or frustration,  delivers extra oxygen to my brain, and gives me a minute to think about what I can do differently to accomplish my goal.

The self-coaching strategy that follows has helped me learn to see my expectations as strong preferences, rather than as requirements. I ask myself a few targeted questions, then answer them out loud or in writing.  Below are steps to help you identify and then follow your own good advice:

1. Recognize and understand your expectations.
   
   Expectations need to be vetted. Ask yourself, “What are my expectations about this situation?” Once you answer, then decide if your have conflicting expectations that require a choice to be made or unrealistic ones that need a rewrite.
   
   Example of an unrealistic expectation: “I want to be the expert and know everything.” Rewritten expectation: “I want to find out what I need to know to get the job done.”
   
   Example of conflicting expectations: “I want to get the proposal in on time and meet the deadline. “vs. “I don’t want to be rushed.”
   
   Identify the hurdles and helps to your expectations being met.
   
   Example of a hurdle: Harsh self-criticism when mistakes are made that sinks your energy and initiative.
   
   Example of a help: Exploring rather than escaping after making a mistake.  Figuring out what you would do differently.
    

2. Regularly communicate your expectations to others in a positive way.
   
   Tone can be even more important than the words you use when speaking. When texting or emailing, tone is conveyed by using neutral phrases that won’t trigger defensive reactions.
   
   Example:  “Thank you for the update,” is a quick, neutral response that acknowledges you have received the email, and gives you time to think before sending a more in-depth response.
    

3. Negotiate realistically with others in terms of what they can give and what you can accept.
   
   Example: “Let’s agree on a specific time for you to send the report for my review. I would like to receive it before 4:00 PM.  What do you think?”
    

4. Don’t take it just personally when your expectations are not met.  Most of us have a tendency to feel disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed around unmet expectations. Learning to interpret those feelings as signals that you’re taking things just personally, allows you to be curious and ask yourself “What would I see if I was an objective outside observer?”
   
   A quote from the French author Anais Nin summarizes the self-knowledge needed to understand expectations: “We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are.”

If you would like to explore these concepts further please contact me below:

Tantrums

Tantrums are associated with being childish.  Phrases like “Don’t act like a child” or “Are you taking all your marbles and going home?” make it difficult for adults to admit that they tantrum.  It is an immature reaction to frustration or disappointment and yet it is also a common reaction for many adults.

Not recognizing that you tantrum makes it very hard to communicate about sensitive situations.  People who throw tantrums are often seen as difficult or overly sensitive people with a low tolerance for not getting things their way. So, other people either usually wait for the tantrum thrower to just wind down or fuel the fire by calling the behavior childish. This limited giving and getting of feedback is why the tantrum cycle continues into adulthood unchanged.

Unfortunately, frustration and disappointment are common themes during the holidays with family, friends, and colleagues. That is why there are so many “how to survive the holidays” and “what not to do at your office party” tip sheets. The good advice is often focused on not overeating or drinking and warnings to set “realistic expectations” and not attempt replicating a Hallmark Card or Channel moment at home.

The most important piece of information for a tantrum-free holiday is your own early warning system. The physical feelings right before a tantrum takes hold are very strong and can help you recognize that you are at a fork in the road – to tantrum or to choose another way of responding.  Some people just go from calm to crazy, but usually if you throw tantrums there is a predictable wind up to the tantrum. 

Before a tantrum I have shortness of breath and feel increased anxiety. I’ve learned to recognize these pre-tantrum signals and remind myself to “proceed with caution” since I am not at my best.  With intention I can take a break, get a glass of water, or sometimes “act as if” I can handle it and keep going. 

A client who is working on recognizing his pre-tantrum signals gets “hot” inside and feels the heat spreading.  He cools down by breathing deeply and telling himself to “chill out.” 

Another client is sensitive to being made fun of in a group and feels like she has been hit in the solar plexus by an off-the-cuff comment or joke.  She would calm herself by eating sweets or drinking, literally swallowing her feelings. Escaping her feelings was only a temporary fix and delaying the tantrum made it even harder for her to remember the initial trigger. Choosing to stay with her uncomfortable feelings, rather than escaping them, has allowed her to use her feelings as a cue to check in with herself and not have a reaction that is bigger than the real or perceived insult.

How do I know these strategies work? People comment on how much easier it is to talk about and listen to topics that used to be off limits when they recognize and manage their tendency to tantrum.  Believing in your own ability to make productive choices can make the difference between throwing a tantrum or being strategic in thought and action. Here is wishing you a tantrum-free holiday season!

If you are intrigued by this informational piece on adult tantrums and want to explore further, please contact me below:

How "Golden" Are Your Rules?

Relational Intelligence has evolved out of research on Emotional Intelligence. Developmentally, we appear to learn how to take care of others first (social-awareness/relational management), and then apply that learning to how we take care of ourselves (self-awareness/self-management).

Sometimes that developmental sequence goes sideways and we develop a defensive sensitivity to others where we primarily learn how to sense threat from others to prevent them from harming us. Luckily we can become more relationally literate to be able to read real threats from others accurately rather than to perceive threats where none exists or are intended. As we learn healthy relational management we also become more secure and resilient in our ability to manage ourselves. These skills help us to no longer act just defensively. We begin instead to act relationally by taking care of ourselves while simultaneously recognizing the needs of others.

“Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr., minister and civil rights activist

So how do learn to live with ourselves and others? Recognizing where we are starting from helps. Below is a developmental ladder using variations on the “Golden Rule” to illustrate the range of Relational Intelligence from defensive to interdependent. The ladder of learning metaphor is a useful tool to notice where you stand or are stuck on a particular rung. Interestingly, just remembering that learning is a lifelong process (going up or down the rungs) will help get you unstuck. It may be that you have just forgotten that there are other steps you still need to take.

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
- Parker Palmer, author and educator

 

The Relational "Golden Rules" Ladder of Development

View fullsize

Rating Your Relational Intelligence

Compare how you apply the following relational behaviors to yourself and others. Rate each behavior on a scale of 1-4 (1 rarely, 2 sometimes, 3 often, 4 usually). 

Explore with a coach, counselor, trusted friend or colleague how these behaviors towards yourself and others impact your career and personal life.

Celebrates expected and special accomplishments.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Compassionate about learning something new and mistakes.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Supports a wellness focused lifestyle.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Strategically uses strengths and talents.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Chooses a role that is solution-oriented in difficult situations.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Says “no” to a task or even to fun when energy is low.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Addresses specific gains and losses vs. always and never statements.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Resists escaping into food, drama, shopping, alcohol, giving advice, generosity, etc. when anxious.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

Finds a spiritual center as a counterweight to daily distractions.

HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1    2    3    4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1    2    3    4 )

If you are intrigued by this informational piece on relational development and want to explore further, please contact me at patwardconsulting@gmail.com for a deeper conversation.