Relational Intelligence has evolved out of research on Emotional Intelligence. Developmentally, we appear to learn how to take care of others first (social-awareness/relational management), and then apply that learning to how we take care of ourselves (self-awareness/self-management).
Sometimes that developmental sequence goes sideways and we develop a defensive sensitivity to others where we primarily learn how to sense threat from others to prevent them from harming us. Luckily we can become more relationally literate to be able to read real threats from others accurately rather than to perceive threats where none exists or are intended. As we learn healthy relational management we also become more secure and resilient in our ability to manage ourselves. These skills help us to no longer act just defensively. We begin instead to act relationally by taking care of ourselves while simultaneously recognizing the needs of others.
“Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr., minister and civil rights activist
So how do learn to live with ourselves and others? Recognizing where we are starting from helps. Below is a developmental ladder using variations on the “Golden Rule” to illustrate the range of Relational Intelligence from defensive to interdependent. The ladder of learning metaphor is a useful tool to notice where you stand or are stuck on a particular rung. Interestingly, just remembering that learning is a lifelong process (going up or down the rungs) will help get you unstuck. It may be that you have just forgotten that there are other steps you still need to take.
“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
- Parker Palmer, author and educator
The Relational "Golden Rules" Ladder of Development
Rating Your Relational Intelligence
Compare how you apply the following relational behaviors to yourself and others. Rate each behavior on a scale of 1-4 (1 rarely, 2 sometimes, 3 often, 4 usually).
Explore with a coach, counselor, trusted friend or colleague how these behaviors towards yourself and others impact your career and personal life.
Celebrates expected and special accomplishments.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Compassionate about learning something new and mistakes.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Supports a wellness focused lifestyle.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Strategically uses strengths and talents.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Chooses a role that is solution-oriented in difficult situations.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Says “no” to a task or even to fun when energy is low.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Addresses specific gains and losses vs. always and never statements.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Resists escaping into food, drama, shopping, alcohol, giving advice, generosity, etc. when anxious.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
Finds a spiritual center as a counterweight to daily distractions.
HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF: ( 1 2 3 4 )
HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS: ( 1 2 3 4 )
If you are intrigued by this informational piece on relational development and want to explore further, please contact me at patwardconsulting@gmail.com for a deeper conversation.